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Saturday, April 9, 2011

Day 4: Something You Have To Forgive Someone For

It is quite possible that I've been holding a lifelong grudge.  When I was younger, I wasn't upset about the actions of this particular person but, as I grew older and came into a more complete realization about what they had done, the anger, hurt, and bitterness boiled over.  I alternately wanted to find them and beg for their explanation, hoping that it hadn't been done with the malice I sometimes imagined.  Sometimes I wanted to find them simply to offer them my middle finger as thanks for what I see as the most awful form of betrayal possible.  I wanted to tell them that they made it hard for me to trust people, because if they'd left me, who wouldn't?  I wanted to ask the questions that I may never know the answers too, answers that most kids grow up knowing even though they never have to ask.

They never have to ask because the woman who raised them is the same woman who gave birth to them.  The woman who gave birth to me left the hospital that I was born in one to three days afterwards without me.  I haven't seen her since.

I spent the first seven months of my life in the foster care system before being adopted.  As much drama as my life has held, I am thankful for the husband and wife I grew up knowing as Mom and Dad.  They raised me to be an independent person, to do right by everyone, to care about others more than myself, and to work hard.  I have a great relationship with them and love them very much but I can't help the questions.

I have gone through periods of extreme bitterness about my adoption.  I've been angry. I've been sad. I've cried for someone I've never known. I've resented her for her decision, even though I don't know the real reasons behind it.

I've had to forgive her.

Someday, I may get to ask all those questions that I don't know the answers to.  Until then, I have to choose to forgive.  Harboring bitterness will only undo all the good things I've learned over the years and then there would be no good that's come of the situation.

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