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Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Day 1: Something You Hate About Yourself

Something that has become increasingly apparent in the recent months and something that I never thought I'd say about myself is that I lack self-confidence.  It isn't something that plagues me all the time but when it does, it's crushing.  I consider myself a confident person. I am unafraid to speak up or offer my opinion, but when it comes to my career...yeesh, I need some help.

I first realized this fault a few months ago when I knew that it was time to move on from my job in retail.  I began scouring the internet for job postings related to my degree.  It didn't take me long to realize that I didn't feel qualified for many of the positions that wanted someone with my type of degree.  It was then that the threads of self-doubt began to wrap themselves around me.  I went to what most people would call "a good school". I certainly paid for "a good education", however, I wouldn't say that a good education is what came of it all.

I wasn't the best student and I regret that.  I had decent grades, but I could've put so much more into my classes.  I started realizing my own fault when I started looking for a career, wondering if I would have a clearer direction if I had given more to my classes or chosen a different major.  This insecurity, this doubt in my own abilities, makes searching for a job difficult. I can send my resumes in to as many people as I want and for as high a position as I could imagine, but always with the fear that I will be hired (or won't be hired) and that I won't be able to perform to their expectations.

I accepted a mediocre job yesterday.  Today, I am calling to rescind my acceptance.  Its not the best I can do.  I could possibly, and even probably, be successful at it, but if I think through the situation with confidence, it isn't where I need to be.  It doesn't provide the security that I need, in fact, the few possible pros don't even come close to outweighing the potentially devastating cons.

I want to procede in my job search with confidence. I need to.  I want to get out of the Midwest after this year is over, and I want a career that will propel me in that direction.  All I need is the confidence to get that job.

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