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Thursday, June 23, 2011

Rock Bottom

I have been dealing with such stress over the last few months.  One of my jobs, the one that provides the most significant income, has been a complicated place to work.  I've tried to stick it out because I need the income and because I hoped things would get better.  It has become glaringly obvious that things are only getting worse and I feel more and more disrespected every day.

Let me say that I have done my best here.  To most people, I don't appear to be doing much of anything, which is true at times and very frustrating to me.  I was hired in hopes that my experience in publicity would pull a drowning business out of the water, yet my hands were tied due to corporate budget issues.  The same budget issues, I fear, will result in my position eventually being filled by an undocumented worker that can be paid a wage below the federal minimum.

I lay awake at night, angry about this place.  I'm woken up by nightmares in which I am cornered and threatened by the people who imagine they have control of my building.  I hate the feeling of bitterness and resentment that I find is building up in my heart.  I don't want to feel like that.  My stomach churns with nausea nearly every time I'm spoken to, because nearly every person is rude and mean, and I've learned to constantly be on the defensive. There is an almost constant pain in my lower abdomen that begins shortly after I arrive at work and lasts the rest of the day.  I am literally sick over this job.

It is not unusual for me to cry at work these days.  I used to never be weepy, but now it is nearly impossible for me to make it through a week without tears.  I cried the whole way home yesterday and I kept crying.  I was at my wit's end.  There was no way I could continue holding on, to keep hoping that things would get better.  I have begun to fear for my safety.

Yesterday, I gave my notice.  I give up.  The people who would rather not pay me have won.

I'm hoping to move on to a brighter future.  I hope to find a career in which my skills and interests are utilized and where I don't spend my days essentially babysitting adults.  I need a job where I can look nice and not have to worry about being harassed.  I want to be proud of where I work and what I do and know that I am working towards accomplishing my goals.

I'm praying that the income from this job will be easily replaced.  I know I will find a way, even if I have to ask for help for a few weeks.  The paycheck, even after they were unceremoniously cut back, still covered bills and expenses, but even that is no longer incentive enough to stay.

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