Day 4: Something You Have To Forgive Someone For

It is quite possible that I've been holding a lifelong grudge.  When I was younger, I wasn't upset about the actions of this particular person but, as I grew older and came into a more complete realization about what they had done, the anger, hurt, and bitterness boiled over.  I alternately wanted to find them and beg for their explanation, hoping that it hadn't been done with the malice I sometimes imagined.  Sometimes I wanted to find them simply to offer them my middle finger as thanks for what I see as the most awful form of betrayal possible.  I wanted to tell them that they made it hard for me to trust people, because if they'd left me, who wouldn't?  I wanted to ask the questions that I may never know the answers too, answers that most kids grow up knowing even though they never have to ask.

They never have to ask because the woman who raised them is the same woman who gave birth to them.  The woman who gave birth to me left the hospital that I was born in one to three days afterwards without me.  I haven't seen her since.

I spent the first seven months of my life in the foster care system before being adopted.  As much drama as my life has held, I am thankful for the husband and wife I grew up knowing as Mom and Dad.  They raised me to be an independent person, to do right by everyone, to care about others more than myself, and to work hard.  I have a great relationship with them and love them very much but I can't help the questions.

I have gone through periods of extreme bitterness about my adoption.  I've been angry. I've been sad. I've cried for someone I've never known. I've resented her for her decision, even though I don't know the real reasons behind it.

I've had to forgive her.

Someday, I may get to ask all those questions that I don't know the answers to.  Until then, I have to choose to forgive.  Harboring bitterness will only undo all the good things I've learned over the years and then there would be no good that's come of the situation.

Day 3: Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For

In the movie version of the musical Rent, the character of Mimi sings one of my favorite few lines:

The heart may freeze

Or it can burn

The pain will ease

If I can learn

There is no future

There is no past

I live each moment

As my last

There's only us

There's only this

Forget regret 

Or life is yours to miss

I relate to this because I try my best to live without regret.  Not that I never do anything wrong, oh no, I make wrong decisions, I hurt people's feelings, I spend unwisely.  Most of the time, I realize my fault and try to make it better.  I make an honest effort.  It doesn't always, or even usually, turn things back to the way they used to be, but I have to let them go.

I have to forgive myself every day.

So, when thinking back, I don't feel like there's anything in particular that I still need to forgive myself for.  Everything that I've done in the past has made me who I am today. I can't change things that happened even a second ago, so why waste energy dwelling on the wrong that may have come from them?  Prolonged regret is a useless feeling.  Learning from the lessons of a negative experience will do much more to shape you into a healthy and wise individual than sitting on your couch with a box of Kleenex's feeling sorry about what you could've, should've, or would've done.

Day 2: Something You Love About Yourself

More than one person has called me crazy over the years.  Wait! Keep reading! I know you must be thinking that this girl has to be crazy if being crazy is something that she loves about herself. I'm usually called such things while someone is rolling on the floor laughing.

I love making people laugh. I love that I CAN make people laugh.

I think the first time someone told me I was funny was in first grade.  Actually, they told me I used to be funny, and asked what had happened to me.  It was a very deep conversation for first graders.  My early years in school did a number on me. I was an only child suddenly in the midst of a HUGE group of my peers everyday for eight hours.  I entered first grade after being home-schooled in Kindergarten, already knowing how to read (this was unusual).  These things made me a little bit of a loner, but I'm over it.

In high school and college, I got to explore my more dramatic side through art and theatre.  It must have been then that the quirkiness started to come back out in me.  I even joined an improv comedy troupe for a few months.  People said I was good and the group begged me to stay, but the social implications and general sucky-ness of the other members sent me on my way. Shallow? Maybe, but the past is the past and I probably thought tequila was a good idea at the time, too.

I think one of the most important qualities when evaluating whether or not someone is a good fit to your life is whether or not they can make you laugh.  All of my bestest friends and I do this.  The Writer makes me cry with laughter and he laughs too.  I love all of it.  I love saying those outrageous things that people don't expect. I love not taking myself too seriously (most of the time) because people screwing up is funny.  And, let's face it, we've all pulled on the door when all it needed was a push, or tried to go in the automatic exit door at the grocery store, only to realize it was the exit seconds before you ran right into it.  *sheepishly raises hand*

If you can laugh at yourself, others will laugh with you.  Laughter really is the best medicine!

Day 1: Something You Hate About Yourself

Something that has become increasingly apparent in the recent months and something that I never thought I'd say about myself is that I lack self-confidence.  It isn't something that plagues me all the time but when it does, it's crushing.  I consider myself a confident person. I am unafraid to speak up or offer my opinion, but when it comes to my career...yeesh, I need some help.

I first realized this fault a few months ago when I knew that it was time to move on from my job in retail.  I began scouring the internet for job postings related to my degree.  It didn't take me long to realize that I didn't feel qualified for many of the positions that wanted someone with my type of degree.  It was then that the threads of self-doubt began to wrap themselves around me.  I went to what most people would call "a good school". I certainly paid for "a good education", however, I wouldn't say that a good education is what came of it all.

I wasn't the best student and I regret that.  I had decent grades, but I could've put so much more into my classes.  I started realizing my own fault when I started looking for a career, wondering if I would have a clearer direction if I had given more to my classes or chosen a different major.  This insecurity, this doubt in my own abilities, makes searching for a job difficult. I can send my resumes in to as many people as I want and for as high a position as I could imagine, but always with the fear that I will be hired (or won't be hired) and that I won't be able to perform to their expectations.

I accepted a mediocre job yesterday.  Today, I am calling to rescind my acceptance.  Its not the best I can do.  I could possibly, and even probably, be successful at it, but if I think through the situation with confidence, it isn't where I need to be.  It doesn't provide the security that I need, in fact, the few possible pros don't even come close to outweighing the potentially devastating cons.

I want to procede in my job search with confidence. I need to.  I want to get out of the Midwest after this year is over, and I want a career that will propel me in that direction.  All I need is the confidence to get that job.

April Fools

I know that today is supposed to be the first day of the 30 Days of Truth project, but it seems outlandish to begin such a project on April 1st, when so few things are truthful.

I am feeling like crap today.  I was oddly ill at work today and have come up with some possible explanations.
a) Dinner didn't agree with me last night: Unlikely, since I didn't feel sick until after I'd been awake for a while this morning
b) Too much coffee: Maybe? I did feel disinclined to drink my coffee, but didn't actually consume an abnormal amount
c) I have the flu: Unlikely, since I feel fine otherwise
d) I'm pregnant: Probably unlikely. Not as unlikely as I'd like.
e) I overexerted myself during my workout: Quite possible, since I haven't done a darn thing in almost two weeks. Maybe not, though, I've never been a puker when it comes to working out.

I'm hoping my body is playing a mean April Fool's joke on me and that it's not d).